Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
