I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
