Will you blow on my dice?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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