Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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