I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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