Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I met the friendliest cop last night
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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