I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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