Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
