I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
