I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
