Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We got so high we made milksteak
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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