What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
