So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
