My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
