How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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