I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
