My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
