I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
