he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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