I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
