I could have mohawked her pubes.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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