I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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