Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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