please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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