It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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