he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
