We need to rekindle our bromance
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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