I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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