i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
