Having a random hookup so left but love u
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
