I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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