We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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