The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
