so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
