Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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