i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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