before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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