The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
