guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
