She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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