i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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