I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
