YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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