my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
