so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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