you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
