last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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