I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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