This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
