i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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