I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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